Before They Were Men Essays on Manhood, Compassion, and What Went Wrong

Gender nonconforming thought leader and bestselling author Jacob Tobia offers a paradigm-shifting argument for fundamentally reframing how we think about men.

“A reckoning, a manifesto, a wellspring of curiosity, and an invitation to consider better ways of imagining masculinity.”—Amanda Montell, New York Times bestselling author of The Age of Magical Overthinking, Cultish, and Wordslut

The conversation about masculinity has never been more urgent—or more misunderstood. In this revolutionary collection of essays, Jacob Tobia dares to ask the question we’ve been afraid to consider: What if men and boys are among those suffering most under the weight of patriarchal expectations?

Drawing from their own experience of fleeing manhood and the crushing process of being “made a man,” Tobia offers a bold nonbinary intervention into a stale, two-sided discourse. Through deeply personal and intellectually rigorous essays, they explore:

• The hidden epidemic of body image issues and dysmorphia confronting men and boys
• Why terms like “toxic masculinity” might be doing more harm than good
• How we can move beyond blame toward genuine compassion and healing

Before They Were Men isn’t just another book about gender—it’s a call to action for everyone, regardless of how they identify. Tobia invites us to understand men not as categorical beneficiaries of patriarchy, but as co-survivors of a system that wounds us all. This is the conversation we need right now, written with the courage and compassion that only comes from lived experience.

Perfect for readers of gender studies, social theory, and anyone seeking a more nuanced understanding of masculinity in our changing world.

Additional information